Driving

1) It’s a fast lane not a speeding lane. If you keep tailgaiting I’m goin to follow you home tie you to a kitchen chair and force you to watch The Price is Right till you die. Clockwork Orange style.

2) I was raised by a Scot. Ergo my car like me is cheap. Your’s isn’t. Which is why I’m wondering why you’re still tailgaiting me. Is that a phantom squirrel I see? *Screech* O that was close. You have good reaction time for a yuppie triple bypass candidate. Ready for round two?

3) You have a family. Whereas I have nothing to live for except cheesecake. Let’s not test my devotion to confections.

4) I wonder if I could use the ramp on that towtruck to beat the morning rush.

5) I’ve always had a knack for ballistics.

6) There are two kinds of drivers. Those that cut me off. And those that live.

7) You might think you’re tough in your backwards hat wanking your Vtech. But I’m from Moscow and load trucks for a living. How would you like to find that hat facing the correct direction without having to flip around?

8) Your truck is still smaller than my dick.

9) So when you inevitably miss the payment on that Lexus will the fifteen minutes of self satisfaction during your commute be worth the starving wails of your firstborn?

10) While you’re working on that lift kit I’m working on your wife.

11) Highly caffeinated laborers with literary aspirations can ruin your life in far more elaborate ways than the CIA. Use your fucking turn signal.

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