Ridiculous Thoughts Whilst…

On July 3, 2019July 3, 2019 By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, Social Commentary, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Driving

1) It’s a fast lane not a speeding lane. If you keep tailgaiting I’m goin to follow you home tie you to a kitchen chair and force you to watch The Price is Right till you die. Clockwork Orange style.

2) I was raised by a Scot. Ergo my car like me is cheap. Your’s isn’t. Which is why I’m wondering why you’re still tailgaiting me. Is that a phantom squirrel I see? *Screech* O that was close. You have good reaction time for a yuppie triple bypass candidate. Ready for round two?

3) You have a family. Whereas I have nothing to live for except cheesecake. Let’s not test my devotion to confections.

4) I wonder if I could use the ramp on that towtruck to beat the morning rush.

5) I’ve always had a knack for ballistics.

6) There are two kinds of drivers. Those that cut me off. And those that live.

7) You might think you’re tough in your backwards hat wanking your Vtech. But I’m from Moscow and load trucks for a living. How would you like to find that hat facing the correct direction without having to flip around?

8) Your truck is still smaller than my dick.

9) So when you inevitably miss the payment on that Lexus will the fifteen minutes of self satisfaction during your commute be worth the starving wails of your firstborn?

10) While you’re working on that lift kit I’m working on your wife.

11) Highly caffeinated laborers with literary aspirations can ruin your life in far more elaborate ways than the CIA. Use your fucking turn signal.

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Ridiculous Thoughts Whilst…

On July 2, 2019July 2, 2019 By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Weightlifting

Image result for weightlifting nerd

1) My one purpose in life is to destroy my enemies. Everyone is my enemy.

2) I will crush you.

3) I’m going to eat a moose.

4) I need to poop. I need to poop for days. I need to poop for aeons!

5) That six foot eight dude over there with legs like tree trunks. I can take ‘im. Fokin nancy.

6) Iskander Dhul Karnon…idolator PAGAN! Possesor of the horns of AMMON…CONQUEROR of both the rising and setting of the sun!

7) I could kill a moose. Yea…with my bare hands. In fact I’m goin to go around livin off moose flesh that I personally chase down and dismember.

8) I am ridicolously well endowed. My member is like that of a He-Ass. Or something equally Biblical.

9) I really like cheesecake. I should go on all cheesecake diet. I’m a the gym. I deserve this.

10) If I just keep doin enough reps I’ll be totally jacked. Heavy weights are for jocks. I am enlightened.

11) I have a lot in common with Attila the Hun.

12) I want a latte. I could live off the land…

13) Everyone wants me. I am sex.

14) I will topple kingdoms with my schwanz.

15) KITTENS!

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Sir Sizzlealot

On June 29, 2019 By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, The Fractal Journal, Uncategorized, VlogLeave a comment

The dangers of getting wok.

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Are You Lazy

On June 27, 2019 By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, Philosophy, Psychology, Social Commentary, UncategorizedLeave a comment

We often describe ourselves as lazy. But are we?

I caught myself making this ‘Mea Culpa’ in yesterday’s video.

Considering my day job, my workouts, and my attempts at writing and learning computer science odds and ends I don’t think this is entirely accurate.

But then again it kind of is. First, because I could do all these things a lot better. And second because I still avoid boring or difficult activities even if they’re necessary.

And that I think is the way you can really tell to what degree you are lazy.

To what degree are necessary and useful things within your power to do being left undone as your finite time on this spinning bit of space debris slips away?

My self score is a solid 7/10. I should do something about it. But this wine sure is good and it would be nice to go for a stroll.

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Earthquakes, Aliens, and twinkly eyed Irishmen (Vlog)

On June 27, 2019 By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, Philosophy, Uncategorized, Vlog

Huh…I uploaded this yesterday but I guess I forgot to hit publish. Sleep is important.

1) More McNamara

Why so paranoid?

2)More Japan

Magnitude 7.9 Earthquake

3) More Rogan

Smug

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Eyes on the East (Poem)

On April 27, 2019April 27, 2019 By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, Philosophy, poems, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

daffodils

O you voices of wonder….

Pour out your splendour !

All through the hills…

O sweet and tender!

Reedy and ready…

How the wind fills!

Various yet steady…

Eyes on the East!

Shine stars o shine…

From greatest to least!

All down the line…

Herald the dawn!

Impulse for dancing…

Sundays sweet fawn!

Tender is glancing…

Fresh wine is drawn!

O you voice of wonder…

Pour out your splendour!

Cast down your hilts…

Sing that great ardour!

That drones and that lilts…

It’s never harder!

Than at twilight…

But if faith will continue!

The Sun is our sight…

Shine on o shine on true!

Voices of wonder …

Pour out your splendour!

All through the hills…

Curtains are thrust back !

Exploding as Daffodils…

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Noble Order of Asshole Knights – Join or Serve!

On April 13, 2019April 13, 2019 By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Current Events, Humor, Philosophy, Politics, Social Commentary, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

So, I was practicing violin (poorly) from a Mel Bay book I picked up. One of the songs is Gavotte by some fop named Praetorius. Being that I’m about as naturally musical as a coked up bobcat trapped in well full of nettles I needed to hear the bloody thing.

Lo! What wonderfully snooty shit this be.

Here’s what comes to mind from the thumbnail:

Behold wench! Yonder peasant falling!

Ho!

What luck to have witnessed his falstaff frame thusly collapse!

Yay tis good to be rich!

Soothe, thou may grab me by the feline!

Say what you will about these fops but at least they had style. If my grandmother is to be believed I have some kind of count in my lineage. But he would have been Polish or Ukrainian or something. So it doesn’t count. =) I’m so fucking clever.

Nonetheless, I’m bringing back feudalism! With the current disparity between rich and poor we’re already there! Why not add some style to the mix.

So what is your choice?! Will you ride forth as part of my Noble Order of Asshole Knights? Or be oppressed most elegantly!

Image result for douchebag knights — Thy Gallant Lords!

I know you yups pay to pick strawberries but won’t actually have your kids do it as a job. Well, I’m here to help.

Being a lettered man and a patron of the symphonies it is my sacred duty to tie you back to the land!

No longer will you wish for agrarian bliss. No longer will you pine!

Your toil will sustain high culture, institutions of learning that will once more take more than a pulse to enter, and wars we won’t lie about.

As Noble Asshole Knights we don’t spread freedom to gain oil. We just take land cause it’s there and we’re probably better stewards than those hippies anyway. Plus its great fun to smack your neighbor!

Yes! Under the Noble Order of Asshole Knights the stars will shine brighter, and your beer will taste better, for you will have worked inordinately hard to sustain douchebags as is the lot of man!