The Cottage – Part Five – (Short Story)

 

Image result for rustic cabin fireplace
Part One – Click Here | Part Two – Click Here Part Three – Click Here | Part Four – Click Here

Though Hant’s circumspection had proved to be a help round morning. It became a hindrance as noon began to roll on into evening.

Jim wanted one thing.

Fire.

To establish a hearth was to establish a heartbeat. The instinct for flame was as primordial as the fear of that which lurked beyond its perimeter.

He needed fuel. There were trees a plenty but where was the chainsaw? Where was the axe. Why were there no split logs? Why were there no splinters. Why were there no stumps?

He’d run through the grounds. He’d run through the house. He was exhausted.

As he slumped down at the kitchen table his eye fell on an irregularity in the wall.

It was a door.

A door so similar to the wall in which its wooden handle sat that he’d have missed it had his subconscious not called his pupils to sentry.

Nearly leaping from the chair, he traversed the space to the mysterious threshold.

As hinges creaked and the aperture swung inward, he beheld stairs leading down into inky blackness.

“The basement! Thank fuck.”

He fumbled for a switch. There was none.

So, he procured the lantern from the porch.

The stairs led deeper than he expected. To a depth that was nearly as tall as the cabin itself.

‘God I can’t imagine digging this out with just a shovel.’

But that must have been the way Hant did it. What did they helicopter in a tractor?

Jim recalled the iron in his uncle’s grip. Iron that had remained even on the sick bed. He felt a surge of waxing respect.

His surprise at the dimensions of the place dissipated.

There were fluorescent lights above him. Or at least there seemed to be.

He raised his lantern. Yes. There were those long tubes hanging seven or so feet above.

Jim smacked himself.

He trotted back up the stairs. And sure, enough the switch he was looking for was in the kitchen. It was almost as adeptly disguised as the door itself.

‘What is the fuckin point of a camo door?’ Jim cursed internally. ‘And a camo switch…’

But his annoyance turned to joy. For in the large rectangular cellar beside a set of stairs on the opposite corner was at least a month’s supply of logs.

The cellar seemed to serve as a sort of hybrid toolshed and storage space. Naturally, everything was fastidiously arranged.

There was also a worktable. On which many oak branches were carved into fantastic patterns and implements.

‘No wonder Lizzy is cranky. Old Hant must be one lousy lay if he pours this much energy into craftin knik knacks.’

Jim laughed out loud and began the happy work of conveying the logs to the fireplace.

Where they had come from, he did not know. He’d searched several miles of the nearby forest and found no stump.

Maybe they’d been ATV’d or horsed in from Reed.

These thoughts while interesting were merely background.

He’d looked up the chimney and found it clear. Clear enough to sully with the happy tickling tongue of flame and the warm breath of smoke.

O yes.

All the doors had been fastened. The windows shuttered. The .38 test fired and fully loaded.

Soon these assurances would be joined by warmth.

There were plenty of kerosene vessels about.

So it was that a flick of a half-finished cigarette started the heartbeat of Jim Cleary’s new home.

Though he was still a touch distressed by the clammy grip of isolation he’d begun to wriggle free.

The soft strange song of the Whippoorwill and Owl was a soothing lullaby. The warm crackle of the fireplace and the warmer glide of whiskey were a blanket that lulled him back to deep strange dreams.


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The Cottage – Part Four – (Short Story)

Image result for kentucky meadow
Part Three – Click Here | Part Two – Click Here | Part One – Click Here

“You’d better get used to opening them ears.” An all too familiar voice chirped.

Jim started violently.

He ashed his jeans with spent tobacco and cursed aloud as hot coffee singed his hand.

Clad in a dusty grey-green dress with her torso wrapped in flannel Lizzy Jennings was more scarecrow than grandame as she stood chuckling in the meadow.

“Pain’s the best teacher.”

“Pain in the ass.”

“I told ya to watch that foul tongue round me. You best believe that I will cut it off.”

Jim believed her.

The sound of birdsong, the hum of the insect kingdom, and the scent of wildflowers were the perfect ambient noise. They were the perfect cover. No wonder she’d been able to sneak up on him.

“So, auntie why ya come pokin’ round here like a robber? And how did ya make all fifteen miles without an engine to tell me you were arriving?”

At this she let out a low whistle. After some moments an old brown packhorse trotted leisurely out the wood, across the wild grass thickets, and right up to the scarecrow. The scarecrow then produced two brown sugar cubes as an offering to the long and eager tongue.

“That explains why I didn’t hear a motor.”

“So ya called me auntie. Now I can tell ya read some of that… which you must. But I know that you have not read it all. Or even more than da faintest dip of a toe.”

“O yea. And how?”

“Ye wouldn’t be sittin so comfortable.”

“O?”

“Yea…O…hell-O…that’s why I came round. You seem slow to understanding. Irreverent, lazy, BOY.”

“A bit too old to be a boy…but irreverent…lazy…? Sounds about right. Slow? Maybe with math but then again do I look Asian?”

“You look like a fool.”

“I see why you and Hant got along so well…”

“Look!” She cut him off. “I don’t call ye a fool lightly. I am not teasing. It is a condition. A disease. You’re sick Jim. And we have to cure it.”

“A wise man once said: You can’t fix stupid.”

“I didn’t say you were stupid. I said you are a fool. Most fools are not stupid. In fact, the greatest fools are often pretty clever.”

“Ain’t clever neither. So, I think I’m pretty safely in that sweet spot in the middle there.”

“No. You are a fool.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

“No. No it ain’t…FIINE…,” she sarcastically drew out the ‘fine.’

“I’ve lived in Boston for twenty-five years. Left home at fourteen. That’s eleven winters worth of foolhardy. I’d say I am doing wicked FIIIINE.”

She started at the colloquialism.

“Yes…that’s the problem…that…is what makes ye a fool. You’re wicked. It makes ya thick to the old ways.”

“Never really cared for the old ways. Or any kind of ways for that matter.”

“Well, that bluster might impress folk who’d eat each other if the electrics went out but round here that kinda thinkin is suicidal.”

“The good die young.”

“It ain’t death ye have to be afeard of.”

“O great more religion…”

Lizzy shook her head. “No, this ain’t religion. This isn’t ritual. There ain’t no need for it in God’s presence nor in those spaces he has made desolate.”

“Still sounds like religion talk to me.”

“Well, maybe talk ain’t what ya need. Maybe what you need is to see…or better to feel. Then you’re gonna read. O you’re gonna read real careful.” She chuckled again as she mounted the leisurely grazer that had been bemusedly listening to the intergenerational exchange.

“Cryptic frikkin hillbilly psychobabble…if I want this much cheesy mysticism I’ll listen to Zeppelin.”

Fortunately, the coffee was still warm. He’d only spilled enough from the thick tin mug to sting his hand a touch. He resumed the reverie which had been so rudely interrupted.

Another Pall Mall bristled to life with the kiss of a Zippo. Through the pretty white cancerous cloud he saw the distant line of trees across the wild flowering meadow. They were not just trees but a wood. A thick wood by the looks of it. From his slightly elevated position on the top most porch step he saw mountains. Did the wood end only there? How far?

‘Just where in the fuck am I really?’ He mused.

Even though he found this particular morning particularly pleasing he could not help but regret a more careful assessment of the map. The lack of foresight in bringing a map or compass was even more lamentable.

He stood up and strode across the wildly varying ground as grasses grazed his jeans. All around him were trees. The meadow, though vast in comparison to the cabin, was but a brighter drop in a sea of green.

And while the town of Reed was fifteen miles away. That relative proximity added little balm to the gradual registering of the utter strangeness of all that had so quickly and recently transpired.

‘How far was an actual town?’

Jim reeled a bit.


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Absolute Truths – Two – The Curmudgeoning

gothIsland
Pictured: Twat on an Island circa 2009

1) A bottle of wine is never enough

2) Isms are cancer

3) I am an island

4) Don’t to that

5) Or the other

6) If you run barefoot in the rain with a blonde idiot you’re likely going to have to justify the slaughter that you have done to the precious few hours God granted upon the good green earth. And Jehovah will grow stern.

7) Books are more sensible than conversations

8) Be gone

9) This glass is almost empty

10) The shift starts soon and the second wind’s kicked right on in

11) You’re absolutely shagged

12) The dog WILL shit the rug again

13) The stupid reproduce far more effeciently.

14) Nobody reads

15) The cheesecake is gone

16) Mother is dissapointed

17) Father died

18) No one wants your Johnson

19) Normally the fact that no one wants your Johnson would mean that you had incredible time and energy to create magnificent masterpieces. But you’ll just wank to e-bewbs and watch another Bill Hicks video as you have one less breath to give. God will not favor you on the day of reckoning.

20) You were born to love magic. But let’s face it you prefer instant macaroni.


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Checkered Shorts

Image result for checkered shorts


So I just heard some coldplay coming form the TV…

So here’s another vaguely amusing list as I drink myself to sleep….

…I dunno if these are still a thing but back in highschool (Mid oughts) I couldn’t help but notice certain patterns.

Checkered Shorts bro…

1) Is called Cody no exceptions

2) Listens to Coldplay

3) You’re eventually going ot have to kick his ass

4) Smug

5) Average Student, Average Conversationalist, Just all Around Average

6) Probably Skateboards Sometimes

7) Will Bum Cigarettes but doesn’t actually smoke

8) Faggy 90’s boyband hair

9) Possibly gay

10) Insists that you’re gay

11) Let’s face it you’re both gay

12) Too gay to actually be gay

13) Uses Axe bodyspray as a form of chemcial warfare

14) Is offended by pretty much everything

15)  Yuppie parents that have those stupid tennis ball garage door strings

16) Obsessed with basketball but can’t actually play all that well

17) Mom is kinda hot

18) I was nineteen when the market crashed. I suspect Cody’s parents were at fault. That house did always seem a touch too nice.

19) What the hell is a mission trip?

20) Do these people survive on cereal?

21) And they said the Soviet Union was beuracratic nightmare. How many post its can you put on a fridge? Christ almighty. The micromanagement.

22) Subrubia is hell.


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The Cottage – Part Two – (Short Story)

Related image
Part One – Click Here

Jim had never seen stars that bright before. In a sky as clean and clear as the angles of his uncle’s cabin. They hung silent. They hung cold.

“It’s chilly up here.” He remarked.

“That’s the damp settin in.”

“Well then I’d best be settin in. I see a chimney. And…” Jim said extracting the maglight he’d lifted off a distracted cop.

“Hey.” Dutch said with such resonance that he didn’t have to shout. “…Don’t be shinin that at the trees.”

“Uh….what the fuck Dutch?”

Dutch showed the first sign of discomfort that Jim had thus far witnessed. The aftereffects of the ATV headlights revealed a rolling of the eyes up and to the left. The giant seemed to be considering something.

“I hunt round these parts. In fact I got a bow on me right now. I don’t want ye to scare off my game.”

“Is it hunting season?”

“It’s always huntin’ season round Reed.”

“…well alrighty then…” Jim said. “Can I at least finally have a fucking smoke?”

“Don’t ‘fend me none.”

“Any reason that we were in such a rush? Couldn’t we have stayed at a hotel so that my Southie ass didn’t have to immediately get Lyme disease pokin round the dark?”

“Well, ye might think it silly but round here we have certain beliefs.”

“Ya don’t say…” Jim sneered recalling the ginseng.

“Hant’s house cannot stand without Hant’s blood.”

Jim took a step back.

“I ain’t into that bloodletting Wicca shit. Had this one girlfriend…”

“T’ain’t what I meant.”

“Good,” Jim said allowing the hammer of his .38 to come to rest more audibly than it had been cocked.

“I ain’t afeard of yer pea shooter. Nor should ye be afeard of me.”

“I’m a city boy. I ain’t afeard of anything cause I’m afeard of everything. People are more dangerous than bears.”

“Well, then maybe you’ll last longer than I thought ye would.”

“Last…?”

“Don’t ye mind that. I didn’t mean to insult ya. It’s just that most folk. Even country folk…they can’t dwell here too long. There’s not enough of the wild in these people. And so the wild here overwhelms them.”

“Ain’t nothin wilder than a Cleary.”

Dutch started. “That’s not Hant’s surname….” He looked really worked up.

“Well, yeah. He’s from my mom’s side. Cronin.”

Dutch seemed relieved. “As long as ya got the blood.”

“Um..look…could you really need to work on your bedside manner.”

“Huh?”

“Could ya please fukin stop sayin blood.”

“What’s wrong with blood. You got blood I got blood everything’s got blood.”

“I’m just worried that with all this blood talk there might be some things that won’t have no more by the end of the night.”

“Are ya yellow?”

“No, just street-smart.”

“Well, there ain’t no streets round here. And I need to be goin. I’ll help ya carry in your belongings’ then I gotta go.”

“Fine by me,” Jim said hoping that the blood-obsessed rustic got goin’ for good.

Jim was a light traveler. A case of whiskey, a hamper of clothes, a toothbrush, Hustler, and a carton of smokes were the sum of his belongings. So it wasn’t long before they’d stowed those belongings in the compulsively neat cabin.

Something didn’t feel right about the precision of the furniture. The way it was spaced. It didn’t seem to be done for entirely utilitarian reasons.

“This is some crazy Feng Shui shit right here…” Jim said trying to move a sharply cornered diamond shaped table away from the wall.

“Don’t do that.”

“Is that your favorite sayin?”

“I mean…ye can try. To do it…but it ain’t gonna do.”

He was right.

The table was affixed to the floor.

“O, what in the fuck…!” Jim exclaimed. “I need a god damned drink.”

Dutch chuckled. “Plenty o that here. Ye probably won’t even get to the stuff ya brought.” He said pointing to the large amply stocked mantelpiece.

“Well…I knew old Hant was a drunk.” Jim said wryly. “But I didn’t know he was gay.”

“He ain’t.”

“Then why is every lamp a god damned Tiffany?”

“Beliefs.”

“Uh huh.”

“Look boy. There’s ways round here. And ye had best learn them. If not out of respect, then so as to get your pay.”

“Now you’re speaking a language I can understand.”

“Gud.” Said the giant as he turned to leave. “I was told that ye can read. Yer uncle had Doc type up the caring of this place. So, make sure that ye do.” He opened the door.

“O…and boy…you will hear things. It’s best to not let them bother you. And they won’t bother you. So long as ye follow the rules. Best take heed o old Lizzy. Do not forget to leave the root. On the stump. Towards the side that grows the moss. Ye do not want it to be missed.”

And with that the cabin resounded with a slammed door.

“What in the actual fuck…” Jim said as he listened to the disappearing roar of the ATV.


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Absolute Truths

Scotch
Pictured: A Twat

1) You can never have just one glass of wine.

2) There is no such thing as too much cheese cake.

3) Baby Boomers are entitled.

4) The west is doomed.

5) You’d better learn Chinese.

6) Ni Hao.

7) Redheads are sexy. Unless they are male. Isn’t that odd?

8) Coffee. Always more coffee. Right now.

9) I thought about deleting some of these because they could be twisted into something that they are not by disingenious trollops. But I am not going to delete them because the purpose of banter is to make it comfortable to have flexible conversations without the constraints of forced politesse.

10) The fact that I came up with that sentence in the span of five seconds means I get terribly bored very quickly. Please read more folks. It doesn’t have to be Dostoevsky just please read more. It’s hard to always talk about the weather…in monosyllables.

11)  Yes, I do have self esteem. No it isn’t cocky. Unless you think cocky is sexy and you are a redhead. A redhead who isn’t male or Roseanne. You know what… I’m such a libidinous critter that Roesanne is fine.

12) Linux is better but old Bill is craftier.

13) You can never have just two glasses of wine you know.

14) Fourteen was Bach’s favorite number.  I think. So cheers.


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The Cottage – Part One – (Short Story)

Image result for kentucky mountain


Appalachia spreads itself in grey and green a few hundred miles inland of the Atlantic. Its mountains, caves, lakes, and fields are a delight. It is a garden. It is a temple.

It is where Jim found himself that summer.

His uncle who went by the name of Hant had got a blood clot in the lung. His modest dwelling on the opposite side of a miniscule Kentucky township was always immaculate. And it was in his untrained hand that Jim had received the instruction to keep it that way.

Jim Cleary was a bit of a layabout. Not even committed enough to be a drunk. And though he knew next to nothing about country living the small stipend and the opportunity to daydream made him keen on fulfilling his relatives desire.

If this wasn’t enough to seal his fate. Then the nagging of his equally indigent roommates certainly drove the last nail into the coffin of his urban malaise.

“Where da hell ya goin again Jim?” Tony inquired in his brusque Boston brogue.

“Kentucky.”

“And what the hell for?”

“Family shit…changea pace..ya dig?”

“Hell no, I don’t dig how’s me ‘n Harry gonna keep up with the rent.”

“I already told ya I’d be sendin my share.”

“I dunno Jim you’re always late with that shit.”

“Yea…cause that rat fuck boss o mine thinks it’s cute to take my tips cause of a coupla late deliveries.”

“That old song ain’t gonna help here…So lateness is a habit…how the hell am I supposed to trust ya? We still have four months till the lease is up.”

“Cause my Uncle squirreled away a fortune getting black lung and sellin ginseng. And he’s gonna share so long as I keep the house his dad built from turning back into woods.”

“Hmm…I don’ know man….”

“You’re just gonna have to deal cause there’s no way ya can keep me here anyway.”

“Whatever man….do what ya want…but if we don’t get that rent…I’m gonna tell old Barragan ya flew the coop. And you know his IRA ass is crazy enough to find ya in whatever kind of deliverance style backwoods hollow ya hidin in . YA DIG?”

“Yea, man what the fuck ever.” Cleary said exiting the door.

“Fuck you Jim.” Tony said with a grin.

“Fuck you too Tony.”

And with a double bird salute, Jim Cleary set of for Logan International.

He was unaccustomed to the luxury of flight. He distrusted the cleanliness of first class. Nor did he like the look of the silent burly tour guide that his uncle had sent along.

The guy had a beard that would make Euripides jealous. Went by the name of Dutch and had a pensive air like a wild dog that had found its way into the city.

Made it damned hard to flirt with the stewardess.

After a half hour, Jim gave up on making small talk. A guy that talked less than Hant was a lost cause. He didn’t know why he’d even bothered.

It wasn’t gonna be too long of a flight so Jim just sank into the mind-numbing arms of an inflight movie.

It wasn’t long before Rob Schneider forced his brain to shut down.

It was switched back on by the deep thundering simplicity of. “Wehere, let’s go.”

And indeed everybody was busily extracting luggage and making their exit in that leisurely, orderly, upper middle-class way.

‘Yuppie schmucks.’ Jim couldn’t help but chuckle at the collection of khakis and polos mixing with folk who should also be wearing khakis and polos but were trying their hardest to appear like a Bluegrass revival.

A battered pickup pulled up to them outside the parking lot. It was driven by a spry old bat with icy blue eyes that went by the name of Lizzy Jennings. Said she was a Viking and that Jim had better watch his manners.

“Don’t got any.”

“Well learn ya sum. Hant told me ya were a thick one.”

Jim ignored the insult and wen to light a cigarette. Only to have it smacked out of his hand.

“Don’t ya bring dat filth in my car.”

“Jesus Christ! I just got off the flight lady…”

The steely angular framed gaze never changed as a wiry freckled arm shot forward and twisted his ear hard.

“Don’t ya be blaspheming in here neither!”

“Ahh…god damn you old bitch…”

This only made her tug harder.

She stopped just shy of tearing his ear off.

“Fuck I shoulda stayed in Boston.” He muttered under his breath.

The drive from Louisville to Reed was five long hours.

Five long hours with two rustic sentinels whose eerie silence was only matched by the eerier economy of motion in their smooth efficient movements.

‘At least it’s pretty.’ Jim mused as he gazed down into the sleepy verdant valleys that flitted beneath the fluctuating elevation.

It was dusk by the time they arrived at the half dozen or so buildings that comprised the township of Reed, Kentucky. He guessed the thing with the spire was a church, the square thing was a post office, the colonial thing was the town hall, and everything else was shops.

‘Where the hell are the houses?’ He mused.

“Ya ever been on a horse ‘fore?” Asked the sun-dried Valkerie.

‘O fuck…’

The old bat laughed in an innocent girlish sort of way that threw Jim off even more than the prospect of riding a horse.

What was even more disturbing was the perfect, gleaming white, set of teeth that laugh revealed.

‘This crazy crone has better choppers than me…’

“I’m pullin’ at yer leg. I know a fool like you ain’t got no useful habits. You gonna wish you had a horse tho. Cause that four wheeler is a sight more likely to flip than my Sadie.”

Cleary heard a roar from the building that Dutch had disappeared to.

“Don’ be lookin so down. It’s only fifteen miles afore a warm bed and some whiskey.”

“FIFTEEN!”

She laughed that weird coquettish laugh again that was so at odds with her appearance and behavior.

He didn’t have too much time to puzzle over it though cause his carriage was already by his side.

Jim reluctantly took a seat behind Dutch wrapping his fingers tight around the luggage mount.

He was surprised by the rough feel of an old rope round his kneck.

He looked down to see a sack swinging down to his solar plexus.

“Now lemme tell ye bout Thursdays.” Lizzy Jennings said.

“Aha..”

“That’s ginseng in that pouch there.”

“Ok…”

“Today is Thursday and I put some out on the stump. Dutch will show you the stump. Startin next Thursday you’re gonna have to put some seng down afore dusk.”

“Umm…ok.”

“I suggest ya follow what I tell ye. Cause ye don’ wanna learn it from another.”

“What…?”

“Just put the root down on the stump. Or else there’s gonna be trouble. ALRIGHT BOY?” She stated with vehemence.

“Put the ginseng on the stump…on Thursday…before dusk…I get it.”

She smiled oddly and whistled.

Jim barely had time to get a fresh hold on the luggage rack before he and the giant roared into the inky mountain.


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My Late Night Reaction to Romanian Banter (Slightly Buzzed Edition)


The Russian Reaction: lol of course the romanian takes a jab at the russians. stealing isn’t russian culture. its gypsy culture vee. and soviet culture is actually german. since marx was german and the germans have a tendency to take things that don’t belong to them. like poland.


Just so the world knows where my sympathies lie…

A real empire. Unlike the Brits we don’t just conquer defenseless brown folk then strut for the next three centuries as our leaders take turns felating the Rothschilds.

As an anglophile I’m entitled to that sentiment.

Cheers you limey cunts.


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Sweet Uncertainty (Violin, Voice, and Guitar)


The mix and render was a touch rough but yea..here’s the lyrics

Ooooo oooo

Sweet uncertainty

Bring another gift to me

Ooooo ooooo

I am so loose

My wings

Angles obtuse

So rings

Sweet

 Yea sweeet

Yea my sweet

Uncertainty

 

Made with FOSS tools only! Ardour rocks. https://ardour.org/


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Rain (Poem)

Image result for rain


There is nothing left

Except the rain

Deft

The flitting cross the main

A throughfare

So subtly here

Yet nearly there

This vertically fissile air

Broken by the waters

That had grown wings

A myria glimmering daughters

Too lofty for even kings

For none can catch

That which is stretching

Back to earth to latch

Forver reaching

For the next

Dew course

From sea to air

From source

To source


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$1.00

Not Just Zazz…but Pizzazz

Too high class for regular Zazz? Help Pizzaz up TFJ!

$5.00