Tag: Jokes

A Bit of Blue

On By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Current Events, Humor, Social Commentary, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Hah. Just as I post more mask musing…I see this thumb where some Jersey MILF teaches you to take ratty Tshirts and make petri dishes masks. If Fauci admits* that there was an overestimate and we see less dire consequences then predicted without masks…

Maybe these things will just serve best as kinky bedroom gear. If Jersey really wanted to do a public service she’d save money on clothes like that Tennis player and wear nothing but the mask. Inspiration is a public good. And there is nothing more inspiring that slightly chubby, vaguely ethnic ladies, dressed as bandits.

In all seriousness that looks a hell of a lot less shitty for a warehouse worker to wear to keep from breathing on merch. So I might do it to save your granny and get a virtue lay from crafty Jersey broads.

Maybe she’ll knit me assless chaps like that one hipster chic I dated. Never trust people who feed their cats Zoloft.

*https://thehill.com/homenews/coronavirus-report/491779-fauci-looks-like-us-deaths-will-be-lower-than-original-projection?userid=323431

Think I’m just a randy crank. Well yeah…but you did learn how to make a mask and got a link to the stupid Hill didn’t you?

See, high and low brow, all at once.

That’s why you’re here isn’t it?

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American Dominance Explained (Vlog)

On By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, The Fractal Journal, Uncategorized, VlogLeave a comment

Why America is the greatest nation on Earth. Truth delivered by an unbiased immigrant.

Fuck yea.

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Checkered Shorts

On By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, Social Commentary, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Image result for checkered shorts

So I just heard some coldplay coming form the TV…

So here’s another vaguely amusing list as I drink myself to sleep….

…I dunno if these are still a thing but back in highschool (Mid oughts) I couldn’t help but notice certain patterns.

Checkered Shorts bro…

1) Is called Cody no exceptions

2) Listens to Coldplay

3) You’re eventually going ot have to kick his ass

4) Smug

5) Average Student, Average Conversationalist, Just all Around Average

6) Probably Skateboards Sometimes

7) Will Bum Cigarettes but doesn’t actually smoke

8) Faggy 90’s boyband hair

9) Possibly gay

10) Insists that you’re gay

11) Let’s face it you’re both gay

12) Too gay to actually be gay

13) Uses Axe bodyspray as a form of chemcial warfare

14) Is offended by pretty much everything

15)  Yuppie parents that have those stupid tennis ball garage door strings

16) Obsessed with basketball but can’t actually play all that well

17) Mom is kinda hot

18) I was nineteen when the market crashed. I suspect Cody’s parents were at fault. That house did always seem a touch too nice.

19) What the hell is a mission trip?

20) Do these people survive on cereal?

21) And they said the Soviet Union was beuracratic nightmare. How many post its can you put on a fridge? Christ almighty. The micromanagement.

22) Subrubia is hell.

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Absolute Truths

On By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment
Scotch
Pictured: A Twat

1) You can never have just one glass of wine.

2) There is no such thing as too much cheese cake.

3) Baby Boomers are entitled.

4) The west is doomed.

5) You’d better learn Chinese.

6) Ni Hao.

7) Redheads are sexy. Unless they are male. Isn’t that odd?

8) Coffee. Always more coffee. Right now.

9) I thought about deleting some of these because they could be twisted into something that they are not by disingenious trollops. But I am not going to delete them because the purpose of banter is to make it comfortable to have flexible conversations without the constraints of forced politesse.

10) The fact that I came up with that sentence in the span of five seconds means I get terribly bored very quickly. Please read more folks. It doesn’t have to be Dostoevsky just please read more. It’s hard to always talk about the weather…in monosyllables.

11)  Yes, I do have self esteem. No it isn’t cocky. Unless you think cocky is sexy and you are a redhead. A redhead who isn’t male or Roseanne. You know what… I’m such a libidinous critter that Roesanne is fine.

12) Linux is better but old Bill is craftier.

13) You can never have just two glasses of wine you know.

14) Fourteen was Bach’s favorite number.  I think. So cheers.

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Names that Herald The Apocalypse

On By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, Social Commentary, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Image result for this is how you baptize a boy named kyle

No one with these names will achieve anything of substance and our infrastrucutre will collapse. If you think I’m wrong you haven’t been watching the news. Good for you. Ignorance is bliss.

1) Josh

2) Kyle

3) Jessica

4) Preston

5) Jenn

6) Ashley

7) Ashton

8) Todd

9) McKenzie

10) McKayla

11) Caleb

12) Calvin

13) Gabe

14) Arden

15) Jenna

16) Nicole

17) Walker

18) Spencer

19) Jess

20) Cole

Most of these pricks are my age. Which means in ten years they’ll displace the degenerate gen X flannel brigade that spawned them in the billion Subarus that litter the suburban wastes like taunting oriental trophies that won’t let us forget the death of Detroit. I’d say repent. But it’s too late and I have a latte to buy.

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Why the Illuminati exists…(Vlog)

On By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, Social Commentary, The Fractal Journal, Uncategorized, VlogLeave a comment

The origin of class warfare.

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Ridiculous Thoughts Whilst…

On By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, Social Commentary, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Driving

Image result for road rage

1) It’s a fast lane not a speeding lane. If you keep tailgaiting I’m goin to follow you home tie you to a kitchen chair and force you to watch The Price is Right till you die. Clockwork Orange style.

2) I was raised by a Scot. Ergo my car like me is cheap. Your’s isn’t. Which is why I’m wondering why you’re still tailgaiting me. Is that a phantom squirrel I see? *Screech* O that was close. You have good reaction time for a yuppie triple bypass candidate. Ready for round two?

3) You have a family. Whereas I have nothing to live for except cheesecake. Let’s not test my devotion to confections.

4) I wonder if I could use the ramp on that towtruck to beat the morning rush.

5) I’ve always had a knack for ballistics.

6) There are two kinds of drivers. Those that cut me off. And those that live.

7) You might think you’re tough in your backwards hat wanking your Vtech. But I’m from Moscow and load trucks for a living. How would you like to find that hat facing the correct direction without having to flip around?

8) Your truck is still smaller than my dick.

9) So when you inevitably miss the payment on that Lexus will the fifteen minutes of self satisfaction during your commute be worth the starving wails of your firstborn?

10) While you’re working on that lift kit I’m working on your wife.

11) Highly caffeinated laborers with literary aspirations can ruin your life in far more elaborate ways than the CIA. Use your fucking turn signal.

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Ridiculous Thoughts Whilst…

On By Alex V. WeirIn Alex Weir, Humor, The Fractal Journal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Weightlifting

Image result for weightlifting nerd

1) My one purpose in life is to destroy my enemies. Everyone is my enemy.

2) I will crush you.

3) I’m going to eat a moose.

4) I need to poop. I need to poop for days. I need to poop for aeons!

5) That six foot eight dude over there with legs like tree trunks. I can take ‘im. Fokin nancy.

6) Iskander Dhul Karnon…idolator PAGAN! Possesor of the horns of AMMON…CONQUEROR of both the rising and setting of the sun!

7) I could kill a moose. Yea…with my bare hands. In fact I’m goin to go around livin off moose flesh that I personally chase down and dismember.

8) I am ridicolously well endowed. My member is like that of a He-Ass. Or something equally Biblical.

9) I really like cheesecake. I should go on all cheesecake diet. I’m a the gym. I deserve this.

10) If I just keep doin enough reps I’ll be totally jacked. Heavy weights are for jocks. I am enlightened.

11) I have a lot in common with Attila the Hun.

12) I want a latte. I could live off the land…

13) Everyone wants me. I am sex.

14) I will topple kingdoms with my schwanz.

15) KITTENS!

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