I’ve been visited by the weird ghostly twink of misfortune.
Well, seems I just can’t win the battle for time. Old washing machine’s been dead for a tidy while so I’ve been goin to the laundraumauouaehshtIAIACTHULHUFHATAGN or however you spell the place where we collectively wash the chipotle farts from our breifs.
Wut even is tiiimeUnfortunately, the water main right in front of the blasted place burst. So here’s me facing another night of inhaling my dirty pillowcase and waking up looking like I just got back from Bonaroo. Red faced, red eyed, and dazed from the pressure in my head that makes me feel like a floating nose.
My butthurt is apocalypstic and I will drink myself quietly to sleep.
But not before I leave you with some links you may find interesting.
I’m in a thoughtful mood. Join me for a meander simultaneously personal and macrocosmic. All acheived andante. Herein, we will explore St. George, coincidences, Scotch and all manner of things between.
MMM. Just shelled out eight hundred dollars for some plumbing work and found out that there’s another significant portion of my house that’s water damaged. To those of you who have been here a while, you may recall that I recently dwelt in hotels for the span of about four months while the guest bathroom was entirely rebuilt.
This time it seems that my kitchen and perhaps my master bedroom will have to be rebuilt. The tile in the kitchen masked the problem…only tip off was the wee bit of wetness where the tile met the hallway carpet.
The former plumbers hadn’t mentioned any of this (aside general warnings about pinholes) and the fellas I had out here who are kinda a big deal in the area almost gave up the search for the leak. Apparently, my crawlspace is sheer noneucledian mysticism and full of daft HVAC ductwork.
Plumbing CIRCA 1977
Uncertain as to whether or not my insurance company will cover another large claim. But, I’m a positive Scotch infused fella and even if they don’t I’m sorta looking forward to learn how to do this shit myself.
I was raised by a senior citizen and never taught shit. So if I have to rebuild a major part of my home that gives me ample lisence to swing my dick around. I like to swing my dick around.
Pictured: Swinging Dick
Anywho, I haven’t the time or more honestly the inclination to create anything resembling worth so I leave you with links to some pretty badass articles I was going to try to fashion a ramble out of:
Computer Nerd Teaches You How To Live Brilliantly Without The Cliche Melodramas of The Absent Minded Professor
So, I’m currently holding the wee bit of left bollock that hasn’t retreated up my abdomen with the rest of the kit. A feat courtesy of hearing that my shift starts at 4:15 AM. As such I can’t bring you the regularly scheduled joy of disjointed rambles that would make a a schizophrenic shaman on a peyote bender seem like a card carrying Presbyterian freemason. (Yes, I stole that last bit from Billy Connoly.)
Therefore I share with you my gleeful joy in confirming that FATTIES ARE MOST AFFECTED. If you’re a jolly person of size. No beef with you. If you have a glandular problem. I’ve no donut with you. If you just don’t give a fuck. I’ve no quarter pounder with you. Yes, this is the shittiest joke of all time. Welcome to history cunts.
No, the thing I have a problem with is moralizing fatasses wagging wingers (lol that was a typo but imagonnakeepit) at folk exercising because of a HEALTH CRISIS.
Today’s daily variety includes the health benefits of whiskey, the first recorded use of the word ‘Fuck,’ and assorted rambles on everything from Trump’s books to Bigfoot.
Since, I got my ass handed to me at UPS today and didn’t wake up till four fucking PM here’s some thoughts that I guess qualify as content:
Hah. Yeah, but who eggs em on. Who whispers in their ear that Bruno over there gave em a pat on the ass?
If Helen’s face launched a thousand ships couldn’t her mouth have stopped it?
Do women go for poets with an English garden or are they jumping labia first into the beds of thugs no matter if it’s Patton or El Chapo. So long as they’re sufficiently ‘decisive.’
Most men want adventure not war. It just so happens that war is one of the ultimate adventures. And it comes with the most enthusiastic cheerleaders.
Let’s you n him fight!
Note: Fred has provided me with countless hours of joy and insight so I’ll forgive the shallowness of this polemic.
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If Helen’s face launched a thousand ships couldn’t her mouth have stopped it?
Do women go for poets with an English garden or are they jumping labia first into the beds of thugs no matter if it’s Patton or El Chapo. So long as they’re sufficiently ‘decisive.’
Most men want adventure not war. It just so happens that war is one of the ultimate adventures. And it comes with the most enthusiastic cheerleaders.
Let’s you n him fight!
Note:
Fred has provided me with countless hours of joy and insight so I’ll forgive the shallowness of this polemic.
Support the Journal
Make a donation via PayPal to help zazz things up.
$1.00
Not Just Zazz…but Pizzazz
Too high class for regular Zazz? Help Pizzaz up TFJ!
$5.00